Scarlett Moffatt on turning into her mother, taken from her honest, revealing and very funny guide to life’s biggest issues, from Tinder to tooth fairies, Scarlett Says
My mother Elizabeth, AKA Betty, is my best friend. She taught me how to speak fluent sarcasm. She has that superpower that all mothers have where you can ask them where something is in the house and they know instantly. She is very selfless, the best robot dancer I know and a top Christmas-present buyer.
We have competitions to see who can write their name the neatest with their toes. I don’t know why we do that, I think we get bored. Me mam always wins. It’s just as if she’s writing with her left hand – that’s how good it looks. I go out drinking with her sometimes. Some of my friends find it weird but it’s my mam and she’s funny as.
Ten ways I know I'm becoming my mother
1) I've started buying lots of candles and scatter cushions (and getting excited about them).
2) I’ve started checking the weather before I go out (and taking a safety Pac-a-Mac with me).
3) I look forward to going to bed. Ooh, is it 9pm yet?
4) I’ve started reading the Radio Times
to check what’s going to happen in EastEnders
even though I’ll be watching it that night.
5) I get excited when people cancel plans for a night out. Sometimes I just want to stay in and watch The X Factor
with a takeaway.
6) I’ve started saying things like, ‘In my day you could buy a chocolate bar, a packet of crisps and a drink and get change out of 50p’ or ‘Remember when penny sweets still cost a penny.’
7) When I watch a film I tend to agree with what the parents in it think/say rather than the kids.
8) I’ve found myself choosing sensible, comfortable shoes over fashionable ones.
9) I’ve actually started wearing my mother’s clothes.
10) I’ve begun mumbling to myself about how much I’ve got to do in the day. ‘Argh, I’ve got a load of washing to put on and I’ve got to empty the dishwasher.’
Scarlett Says by Scarlett Moffett is out now.
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Scarlett Moffat turns her attention to life, the universe and everything in a book that will be utterly unlike any other celebrity autobiography you read.
Scarlett Says is absolutely brilliant and really funny. Half autobiography, half mad woman on a roundabout shouting at the traffic.'
- Alan Carr
Start reading now