The best personal ads ever. EVER.
Yes, they're real.
![](https://ik.imagekit.io/panmac/tr:f-auto,w-740,pr-true//bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/477fb70d-e5db-4cb8-8299-e22d77d6b7d2/The-best-personal-ads-ever.-EVER.---Header.jpg)
These really need no introduction, other than to say they are a compendium of the oh-so-carefully crafted personal ads from the London Review of Books and far more entertaining than match.com.
![Image saying: The Necker cube of personal ads - are you viewing from above or below? Irritating amateur psychologist (M,52) seeks woman with brain suitable for home-made experiments. Half-full/half-empty relationship and psychometric tests a-plentry at box no.5447.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/367a2da7-9dec-4678-ab12-8d66edb443d8/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20brain%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=529&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: Are you the man of my dreams? Green 9'10", three eyes, six tentacled arms and reciting the third canto of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene whilst crushing foot-ball-sized grapes with hoofed feet? Either stop it now or kiss me, you monstrous wine-making fool. Woman, 41, Exeter. Box no. 1011.g](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/5741ab1d-ba38-453d-95f5-695c4e063ae3/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20dreams%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=390&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: What kind of animal are you? I'm a giraffe. No! Wait! I'm a monkey! Welcome to my tree-top paradise. (F, 62) Box no. 0220.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/716b6134-e06b-4b7f-9c7b-f6d43b8613ca/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20giraffe%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=346&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: Newly divorced man, 46, looking for a woman to 50 who doesn't conclude sexual intercourse with Queen Katherine's rebuke to Cardinal Wolsey.* Box no 6531. *I do believe, induced by potent circumstances, that thou art mine enemy'](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/07eac358-f046-4861-95ef-b0bcf3629f08/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20chandalier%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=781&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![A hypnotic pattern, then the words below: This personal advert contains more than one hypnotic suggestion. Box no. 7637.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/05258ab5-730c-4c0c-aacb-3b945725b9dc/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20hypnotic%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=390&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: Getting laid through Match.com isn't as easy as the adverts make it out to be. I'm hoping for better pickings from this column. Woman, 87.Box no. 5444.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/1902f888-659f-4dde-83a4-63e07b2eb7d4/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20match.com%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=473&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: In France, it's just a kiss. I England it's just a muffin. In Belgium it's just a waffle. In Germany it's just a shepherd. You know what I'm saying. Man, 41. Box no 5520.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/eaa6aae4-a3cb-4639-8ebe-026fb4aa3e1c/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20France%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=345&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: Shepherd of Love seeks F to 45 free of scrapie,pinkeye and Caseous Lymphadentis. Vet (M, 43). Little experience of human contact outside the farming communities of Pembs. Box no. 9837.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/0687b677-facb-4a50-95fb-043fed44b10c/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20sheep%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=430&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
![Image saying: Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland. F, 54. Box no 8828.](https://assets-eu-01.kc-usercontent.com:443/bcd02f72-b50c-0179-8b4b-5e44f5340bd4/86fcb286-7794-4816-afd9-415673d2bba5/The%20best%20personal%20ads%20ever.%20EVER.%20-%20switzerland%20-%20inline.jpg?w=520&h=346&auto=format&bg=%23efefef&fit=crop)
Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland
by David Rose
And there's plenty more where that came from in Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books, edited by David Rose, who has had the pleasure of managing the LRB's personal ads.
Organized into themes ('Mentally, I'm a size eight' and 'Forty years ago I was going to marry Elvis') and fully annotated, Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland is the perfect gift for the man or woman in your life - as well as single friends everywhere.