The best personal ads ever. EVER.

Yes, they're real.

15/09/2014
2 minutes to read

These really need no introduction, other than to say they are a compendium of the oh-so-carefully crafted personal ads from the London Review of Books and far more entertaining than match.com.

Image saying: The Necker cube of personal ads - are you viewing from above or below? Irritating amateur psychologist (M,52) seeks woman with brain suitable for home-made experiments. Half-full/half-empty relationship and psychometric tests a-plentry at box no.5447.

Image saying:  Are you the man of my dreams? Green 9'10", three eyes, six tentacled arms and reciting the third canto of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene whilst crushing foot-ball-sized grapes with hoofed feet? Either stop it now or kiss me, you monstrous wine-making fool. Woman, 41, Exeter. Box no. 1011.g

Image saying: What kind of animal are you? I'm a giraffe. No! Wait! I'm a monkey! Welcome to my tree-top paradise. (F, 62) Box no. 0220.

Image saying: Newly divorced man, 46, looking for a woman to 50 who doesn't conclude sexual intercourse with Queen Katherine's rebuke to Cardinal Wolsey.* Box no 6531. *I do believe, induced by potent circumstances, that thou art mine enemy'

A hypnotic pattern, then the words below: This personal advert contains more than one hypnotic suggestion. Box no. 7637.

Image saying: Getting laid through Match.com isn't as easy as the adverts make it out to be. I'm hoping for better pickings from this column. Woman, 87.Box no. 5444.

Image saying: In France, it's just a kiss. I England it's just a muffin. In Belgium it's just a waffle. In Germany it's just a shepherd. You know what I'm saying. Man, 41. Box no 5520.

Image saying:  Shepherd of Love seeks F to 45 free of scrapie,pinkeye and Caseous Lymphadentis. Vet (M, 43). Little experience of human contact outside the farming communities of Pembs. Box no. 9837.

Image saying:  Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland. F, 54. Box no 8828.


Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland

by David Rose

Book cover for 9780330538015

 And there's plenty more where that came from in Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books, edited by David Rose, who has had the pleasure of managing the LRB's personal ads.

Organized into themes ('Mentally, I'm a size eight' and 'Forty years ago I was going to marry Elvis') and fully annotated, Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland is the perfect gift for the man or woman in your life - as well as single friends everywhere.